I can no longer cut the cheese the right way.

I talk about cheese so much that you probably think I’m referring to the actual dairy product. I am, kind of, but I’m also referring to that cute little phrase reserved for speaking politely about FARTING. If you’re not about TMI, get off this post immediately.

So about three weeks ago I went on vacation with Boy and family and that is when this whole cheese thing started. Here’s the deal: we’ve been together nearly a year but I’ve never let one rip in front of him. Why? I’m pretty pos it would gross him out and I don’t really want to open that door because I don’t want him doing it in front of me all the time. Man farts are never pleasant. Actually, no farts are ever pleasant.

This was a problem while we were living together for that week during vacation, but a week was a minor thing to cope with. (Let’s just say I used my parent’s bathroom in the condo A LOT.) But, um, that week? It’s turned into FOREVER. You know, because of the MOVING IN.

Here’s what else happened during vacation. I read this wonderful book called The Sweet Life in Paris by David Lebovitz, a pastry chef who lends an all-encompassing and hilarious look at what it’s like to be a foodie Parisian-in-training, and in it there’s a chapter that speaks of how to cut cheese properly. Here are some of the finer points.

If you’re presented with a solid round cheese, like a Camembert de Normandie or a petit Reblochon, think of it as a round birthday cake (sans sugary blue roses), and cut it similarly into triangular wedges, not lengthwise slices starting from one edge. If the cheese is particularly small, like Rocamadour, crottin de chevre, or any that would fit in the palm of your hand, it’s permissible to cut those small rounds lengthwise, since wedges would be Lilliputian.
For cheeses you but in wedges that are cut from a larger round, like earthy Saint-Nectaire, hearty Tomme de Savoie, or pungent Brie de Meaux, whatever you do – even if you’re getting first stab at it on a cheese platter – never lop off the pointy nez, the “nose,” of the cheese. This is considered terribly rude and arrogant. Take a lengthwise slice off the side and include a bit of the rind from the outer edge…..
Large rectangular hunks of mountain cheeses, like Salers, Comte, or Cantal, can be cut in whatever way makes sense. But in general, if you’re faced with a big slab lying on its side, simply cut across, top to bottom, creating a rectangular baton of cheese with a bit of the rind on both ends. 

So now, even though it’s so much simpler to whack a wheel of Brie into cubes I. Just. Can’t. It’s rude! I labor and I cut it into slices and that one time I accidentally did snip the nose off a triangle of Gouda I wanted to cry. What an asshole I’ve come to be in the kitchen.

So now cutting the cheese is just so difficult in my life – in all ways.

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